"To speak of many things.
Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax
Of cabbages and kings.
And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether pigs have wings."
(After about ten minutes of staring at the above quote and not really wanting to write anything, we're just gonna go for it and see what happens).
I don't know if New York is the right place for me. I've wanted to live here for years, and it's where the majority of my friends are, but I can't help thinking that I made a mistake in coming here first. I don't feel grounded at all, which is important to me, and it's keeping me from doing things that I want to do (although I'm not really sure what those things are; we'll get to that). I knew that transitioning would be difficult, but I didn't think it'd take this long. I'm comfortable getting around the city and with the environment, but there's something wrong; I've been having depressive episodes with greater frequency and intensity over the last few months, which has been working into a cycle - I do nothing because I'm depressed/I'm depressed because I do nothing. There have been a few opportunities that have arisen that I've either had to turn down because of waiting for something else, or have been pulled out from under me, and I can't seem to get myself motivated to do much of anything. There will be days when I don't leave my room, let alone the apartment.
The other side of this equation is that perhaps I haven't been here long enough and am thinking of quitting too soon. Of course everything's not going to happen right away; it takes years to really get into the groove of things, et cetera. I'm getting some gigs as a sound designer (which continues to kind of baffle me) and very occasionally as an electrician. I haven't acted in anything in a long fuckin' time, though I'm auditioning for Joanna's play about Alice in Wonderland tomorrow. And usually, when spring comes around I get a new shot in the arm, so to speak, and can maybe write off the past year by changing something dramatically and having a new start.
The long and short of it is: I'm here for at least another year, due to the lease we signed (unless I want to go through the trouble of subletting my room, which I don't really want to do - and besides, I love my housemates). I need to give the city another chance, and I need to give myself another chance. It's so easy to just sit around in self-pity and do nothing, to allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the size of this place, the indifference of its people, and the shameless nepotism of the theater community; and that is, to a large degree, what I've allowed to happen. It's easy to say (and easy to read and think "It's about fucking time") but I don't doubt that this is/will be the hardest thing I've done to date. Which means I'll probably backtrack from time to time. Corinne told me at one point that I was the "chill housemate," which I took to be a compliment, and I like being able to roll with what comes my way; but that's not the way to get things done in New York City.
Interesting that I tend to measure things with a starting and ending date. I'm not so good with the open-ended arrangements.
When I think about it, what I really want to do is go get my car (fuck, I miss my car), drive down to Baltimore and get Sean (fuck, I miss Sean) and take off across the country. We'd probably make some sort of itinerary, but for the most part just go and see what happens - try and hit every state, see some landmarks, see some shows, wind up in California for a bit.... Maybe the future's out there somewhere, and not here. At the very least, I'd learn not to rely on timetables and structure, because those aren't what you should be living your life by.
What I really also want to do is go work at Carlisle War College as a professional reenactor. Oh yes, they do have those. Bobby Small was talking about it (last year) at the Fredericksburg shoot, and offered me an in with them. Of course, I turned it down saying I was duty-bound to live in New York - but that's something I'd leave for (even with subletting my room). According to Andrew, The Hornbaker knows some guys there (after last year I'm not sure I'd trust Bobby's contact), so we might see what we can pull together. It's a long shot, but after the disappointment of the John Adams series, I think I can take it.
(For those who don't know: HBO is doing a new series based on David McCulloch's excellent and eponymous book on John Adams. Tom Hanks is producing it, Paul Giametti is playing Adams, and it's the same company who put together Band of Brothers, so needless to say we in the reenacting community were VERY EXCITED. And who should be doing the casting but Kevin Hershberger and John Bert? They needed some skilled reenactors to join the core company for three months. This would mean, essentially, living in a hotel in Richmond with Sean, Andrew, Cap'n Douchebag, The Wiz, and presumably other dudes we know, being paid a goodly amount of money to be in a movie, and go to the Museum of the Confederacy and Virginia battlefields in our spare time. Sound too good to be true? Oh, it was. HBO canceled the whole core group, leaving Kevin and John with some undeserved egg on their faces and a whole posse of disappointed guys - myself included. I'm just glad I didn't start getting new equipment. Pretty shattering; I got drunk shortly after hearing the news and stayed that way for a while).
It would also appear that I'm being offered an internship with the education department at 3rd Ward, the place in Brooklyn where Arielle works. It is, of course, unpaid... but might be interesting and fun.
Scarsick is a pretty good album... not as good as The Perfect Element, but still rockin'.
Deadwood is a great series, cocksucker.
It's time to join a band again.